I am no relationship expert. That’s actually a very laughable thought. It always seems easier for me to give relationship advice to others rather than take my own suggestions. I guess that’s why they say “easier said than done.”
When my daughter first began dating, I gave her the advice that was given to me. No matter how evolved women become in the work place, some things will never change. Fundamentally, God made men and women / boys and girls differently. Since the cavemen days, men have been hunters and women have been nurturers. Cavemen would leave for long periods of time hunting to provide food for their families. These men would seek out women who could sustain on their own while the men were away. They looked for women who would be loyal and who knew how to take care of themselves so the men could feel secure that the family would be safe while they were gone.
A relationship coach once explained that because men are natural hunters, this is why they enjoy the chase. If a woman is easy to catch, she is not considered a prize; she would not be the ideal strong woman who could sustain while the hunter is gone. He would not be able to trust her to tell other men in the village “No” while her man is away.
The relationship guru also said men are natural providers. They like to give and we are made to receive (anatomically, as well). The scenario she painted was a young man and young lady in a canoe on a lake. The young man provides the boat, ensures the young lady’s safety and comfort, and then he picks up the ores and he is the captain of his boat. All the young man wants is for the young lady to sit and be happy. Men love making us ladies happy. It feels good to them.
Unfortunately though, women these days are so use to going after what they want, that we do not even realize when we are taking the ores away from our men and rowing the boats ourselves; symbolically, taking away our men’s masculinity. When women are no longer available to be “chased” and they strip away a man’s masculinity, the man no longer is attracted to the woman. Masculine men are attracted to feminine women – it’s the energy.
As a single mother, a sole provider and a female professional in a male-dominated field, I learned this lesson the hard way – through life experiences and failed relationships. Today I know that when I come home from court, I have to switch out of my masculine role as a lawyer and into my feminine role as a romantic partner.
No experienced is a wasted experience if you learn something from it. Failed relationships also taught me how to get over heartbreak. When my daughter had her first “break-up,” I wanted to snap my fingers and instantly take her pain away, but that’s not how life works. My daughter had to learn on her own just like I did. However, in an effort to guide her to healing, I gave her my “Top 10” list of how to get over heartbreak.
My Top 10 List for Healing from Heartbreak
1) Must have total abstinence – no contact with the ex if you want a real chance of getting over him.
2) Cry it out. Get it all out. Watch a sappy movie. Eat some ice cream without guilt. Give yourself time and room to morn the loss of the relationship.
3) Don’t wallow in self-pity too long. When the crying is done, put on your big girl panties, and your make up, and get busy with your priorities.
4) Go help somebody else in need. This one is very important. It helps get you out of your own head and takes your mind off your own problems…and it makes you grateful.
5) Every time “the ex” comes into your mind, you have to interrupt the thought to break the brain pathway or neuropathway. Immediately change your thoughts within 15 seconds to something positive and different. This takes practice. Don’t be hard on yourself.
6) Pray and meditate.
7) Exercise and eat right.
8) Get good rest – even if you have to take an over-the-counter sleep aide.
9) Every time you go out, make sure you look picture perfect like you’re on a magazine. Look like a million bucks in every photograph taken or every time you are seen. There is no sweeter revenge than being successful in all areas of your life when someone breaks your heart.
10) Call your mom when you need to have a meltdown. She loves you.
I remind myself and my daughter that even when you’re in a committed relationship, men still love to “chase” you and they still want to provide for you and give to you. They want to make you happy. Let them. Sit on your hands when you feel like reaching for those ores. Let your man be a man.
I also remind us both not to lose ourselves in the relationship. Sometimes we women nurture so much that we forget to nurture ourselves. Men want the woman who they were originally attracted to…the woman who knows how to take care of herself and sustain on her own. Neediness is unattractive and so is a woman who no longer takes care of herself.
Lastly, be a good girlfriend to your girlfriends, i.e., don’t date a girlfriend’s ex or sleep with her boyfriend/husband. Make lifelong girlfriends because friends take care of each other. We women nurture each other. We pick each other up when we are down. We cry on each other’s shoulders. We tell each other the things we don’t want to hear, but need to hear. We laugh with each other. We celebrate with each other. Most importantly, men will come and go, but if you’re a good girlfriend, your friends will be there with you for the whole journey.
Madeleine Albight once said,
“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
Pearls, Pinstripes & Carpools 