Pearls, Pinstripes & Carpools

We have all heard the clichés about having an “attitude of gratitude,” we are encouraged to keep gratitude journals, we are reminded that we are “too blessed to be stressed,” and the list could go on infinitum. All these things/sayings are easier said than done, especially when life is throwing lemons your way. How do you rise up with an attitude of gratitude when you are feeling financial strife, facing a divorce, grieving the loss of a loved one or diagnosed with a potentially fatal illness?

Then I heard someone say, “Thank you is a prayer.” That simple concept moved me in a way that the other clichés had not. “Thank you.”

Who am I thanking and for what am I thanking them?

My mind starts playing a reel of the basics. Thank you for my health. Thank you for my kids. Thank you that my kids are healthy. Thank you for my career. Thank you for my partner and good relationships with his family. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for a roof over my head. Thank you for clean water and electricity. Thank you for my car. Thank you that just for today, my bills are paid. It is all good stuff.

What about the not–so-good stuff? Should I be thankful for the curveballs life has thrown me? Should I be thankful I chose to have children with a man who was incapable of helping me support them? Should I be thankful for my embarrassing failed marriage that I rushed into way too soon? Should I be thankful for mistakes I have made in my past? Should I be thankful for past struggles with alcoholism that caused humiliation and destruction to not only myself, but to others in my life? Should I be thankful for conflicts I have encountered with folks who have crossed my path in this journey of life?

The answer for me today is “Yes.”

Through every challenge I have learned more about myself. Through every obstacle I have stretched and grown. Through every hurdle I have gained something that allows me to help someone else. Today I can say “Thank you” to the God of my choice, whom I choose to call my Higher Power.

I am thankful that my children’s father gave me two beautiful babies (not really babies anymore). I thank him for forcing me to stand on my own two feet without relying on someone else to support us. I thank him for making me the lawyer I am today – armed with personal experience that makes me unique in my career.

I am thankful for my failed marriage because it showed me my own shortcomings. Through that humiliating experience, I realized I needed to start trusting my gut and paying attention to red flags. Through that hurtful experience, I learned I am capable of real forgiveness. After all, we are all human.

I learned my happiness starts with me. I cannot rely on someone else to do what is really an inside job. My dependence on God is the only thing solid. When I rely on another human being to do what only God can do for me, I am setting both myself and the other person up for failure.

Through my struggle with alcoholism, I learned that God put me right where I needed to be to help others who suffer, too. How rewarding it is when clients come into the office with that 2^nd or 3^rd DWI and I can humbly tell them there is a solution and then point them in the right direction, without judgment. What a God-thing that through my personal struggles and experience, I can speak a language that only one alcoholic can speak to another because we understand. We know. We have a perspective that those who are not alcoholic cannot comprehend. What a blessing for me and for the other person. Thank you.

With every conflict, I learn something new about myself. What role did I play in that conflict? Was I being selfish and self-centered? Was my ego threatened? Was I being driven by fear or insecurities? Thankfully today I have the ability to stop and take a good look at myself and do a self-appraisal, an inventory. Thank you.

We have also heard the saying “This too shall pass.” That does not just apply to the bad stuff, but the good stuff, too. Life is continuously an ebb and flow or cycle of highs and lows. How we navigate through them is when our character really shows.

Today I am thankful for the struggles that have made me useful to others. When a woman comes to me in confidence with a sensitive issue, I want her to know I listen without judgment because after all, who am I to judge? We are all God’s children just trying to do the best we know how to do in this journey of life. If she is like me, she is probably her worse critic so what good does it do to look down upon someone who is already wallowing in her own shame? Non-judgmental love is the answer. This is what the folks who helped me have taught me. It is my turn to pass along what was so freely given to me by those who showed me out of the darkness and into the light at a time when I was full of shame, embarrassment and humiliation. Thank you.

There is an old African proverb that says “It takes a village.” This means that the child is not just raised within the home, but everyone in the community has a hand in raising that child. Preachers, teachers, coaches, tutors, and organization leaders all lend towards the development of our children. The principle is not meant to take away from the role of the parent, but to help bolster, strengthen and reinforce parenting lessons.

As a single, working mother, this African proverb meant even more than that to me. I simply could not do it all by myself; working full time to provide, run kids to extracurricular activies, help with school projects or school events and volunteer for other activities in which the children may wish to participate. I needed to clone myself! When finances are tight, it is not like there is a ton of extra money for hiring a nanny. I had to get creative in finding win/win resources to make all worlds go round.

Carpooling has been a blessing for us, especially before my daughter could drive. First, it just makes efficient sense to share the gas and time with other parents who are going to the same place at the same time. Whether it is a ride to school or to an after school activity, take advantage of carpools. Some moms swap cooking for rides. One will make breakfast tacos while the other drives the kids across town for that all-day Saturday swim meet.

Speaking of sports, we always had a rule about sports bags: “Never leave your bag in the car.” There is nothing worse than finding out that your business meeting is running later than expected, calling someone to help out with getting kids to an after-school sporting event and then realizing their bag is in your trunk; a situation entirely avoidable if the sports bags are always brought into the house.

In times like these, it is also important to have a short list of emergency phone numbers of other parents you can call for help. Do not feel bad for asking for help because I guarantee you, they will eventually need help, too.

Sometimes other parents are just not available, this is when I call on my retired neighbors and empty-nesters. These folks are usually more than happy to help because they miss those days of raising their own children. By the way, get out and meet your neighbors! Go old school like June Clever and take some baked goods over to introduce yourself. When emergencies arise later (and they will), you’ll be glad you know your neighbors and can count on them.

I remember one sweet neighbor whose son was already grown. She would watch my car race into the driveway, race out of the driveway several times in a given Saturday. The kids and I would come into the house in one set of clothes, then we would leave the house in another set of clothes. Sporting events, birthday parties and other events had us running non-stop on the weekends. In the midst of the routine chaos, my neighbor took me aside one day and so kindly and softly said, “I know you can’t see it right now, but these days are going to pass quickly and one day you will miss these moments.” She was right.

Another time, my son had come home from school as planned, but he became very sick. Nate called me feeling achy with fever and chills and his stomach not feeling well. In that pinch, I called this same nurturing neighbor of mine and she was at my home in a flash. She brought sprite and peanut butter sandwiches with her. She had Nate comfortable on the couch with blankets, a wet cloth on his forehead and his favorite show on the television until I could get home. Not only was my neighbor a blessing to us, but it was also her pleasure to help us. She was grateful we called on her and trusted her. To this day, even after our move to another city 60 miles away, this loving neighbor follows us on Facebook and always takes interests in my son’s activities.

It really does take a village to raise our kids. In our neighborhood there was another single mother whose daughter was in my daughter’s grade and her son was in my son’s grade. She, too, came from a big family and enjoyed cooking. We gave each other access to each other’s houses. Whomever got home with the kids first after their extracurricular activities would jump in one of our kitchens and start dinner. What was mine was hers and what was hers was mine. The best part of this arrangement was that she could get my kids to eat things they would not eat for me. I guess they did not want to hurt her feelings, funny how that works.

She and I also were aligned in our values and morals so I had no issue with her verbally disciplining my children in my absence. She also took advantage of teachable moments when they arose and she set in place appropriate boundaries, like insisting the boys not fart on the girls and they wear their shirts at the dinner table.

Coming together with other families and neighbors also gives our children a sense of community. They witness everyone coming together for the good of all. They learn to respect their elders through their words and actions and they learn to ask “How may I help you?”

As much as we women want to believe we have it all under control because admitting that we may not would make us “bad moms,” there is nothing wrong with asking for help. Our babies will always be our babies. No one can truly replace “Mom.” Release any insecurities, fears or pride that keep you from asking others for a hand. Asking for help will take stress off your back, make others feel useful and benefit the children in so many immeasureable ways. It’s a win/win/win. Start building up your village today!

Born the fifth child and the youngest, I was not planned.  My sister Missy, the fourth child was nine years older than me. Missy was born with a deformed heart, scoliosis and a crooked foot.  Missy’s resting heart rate was as fast as ours when we exercise.  The doctors convinced my mother not to have a tubal ligation during that time, leaving open the possibility for me.  My oldest sister is fifteen years my elder, my second oldest sister is thirteen years older and my brother is ten years older than me.  My mother often wondered if having my brother and Missy so closely together was the reason for Missy’s health complications.

Growing up, Missy was my best friend because her health limitations kept her at home with me.  She was my babysitter once I was old enough to be left with her.  On Saturdays we went to the mall to “window shop” and go to the movies.  My mother would let Missy buy one music album every Saturday.  We still have her 1980’s music album collection.  During the summer, Missy would sit on top of my bicycle handle bars so I could “pump” her down to the swimming pool.  She loved being in the sun.  When Missy passed away in 1987 at twenty-one years old, we picked a burial site in the sunshine for her.

Missy taught me how to truly walk in faith with God even when life is not the way we want it.  Missy also taught me gratitude, especially for my health.  Every Sunday and Wednesday Missy was at church taking in the Word.

When Missy was tired or sick, I would help take care of her.  In 1984, I spent many evenings at Texas Children’s Hospital with Missy as she underwent open heart surgery by Dr. Denton Cooley.  I remember doing my homework in the hospital cafeteria.  All of the staff knew me so I was allowed to wander the hospital by myself and then return to Missy’s room to visit with her.

In 1987, Dr. Cooley was about to operate on Missy again.  The night before her surgery,  I visited Missy and my gut knew this would be the last time I would be with her.  I spent the entire visit uncontrollably crying. Missy was calm and looked at me with compassionate eyes,  She knew it was time.  She was ready.  I gave her a hug good bye and that was the last time I saw her alive.  She passed away before the surgery.  Missy definitely went to heaven.  She was a true example of being God’s child.

Of course, kids will be kids, and because of Missy’s health condition, she had an overall color of “purple” to her complexion and lips.  Once we heard some girls mocking Missy by singing Prince’s “Purple Rain,” but instead they were singing “Purple Lips.”  Mean people incited me to fight in Missy’s defense; to stand up for someone who at times could not stand up for herself.

Kids can also have mature hearts, too.  During Missy’s senior year of high school her health was very questionable.  The quarterback of the football team, with the approval of his cheerleader girlfriend, asked Missy to the senior prom.  He picked her up in a Limosine and treated her like a princess.  Missy came home after the prom and her date and his girlfriend had the rest of the evening to enjoy together.  It was a true act of kindness that gave Missy a fun and memorable time that she would not have otherwise had.

All of these experiences at an early age contributed to my current spirituality and faith, my maternalism with my children and others’, and the fight in me for my clients seeking justice.  Missy’s influence in my life shaped me early on with strong character that would lead me to realizing my dreams.  The dream of being a mother and a lawyer and having steadfast faith to carry me through the toughest times.  When I get down, I think about Missy’s struggles and I carry on the way she would have wanted me to, not taking for granted my health and the opportunities I have been given.  Missy taught me to appreciate what God has given to me and to stay humble because He can take it away just as quickly as He gave it.

Missy was my best friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photograph taken at the Sam Houston Museum in Huntsville, TX.

I am no relationship expert. That’s actually a very laughable thought. It always seems easier for me to give relationship advice to others rather than take my own suggestions. I guess that’s why they say “easier said than done.”

When my daughter first began dating, I gave her the advice that was given to me. No matter how evolved women become in the work place, some things will never change. Fundamentally,  God made men and women / boys and girls differently. Since the cavemen days, men have been hunters and women have been nurturers. Cavemen would leave for long periods of time hunting to provide food for their families. These men would seek out women who could sustain on their own while the men were away.  They looked for women who would be loyal and who knew how to take care of themselves so the men could feel secure that the family would be safe while they were gone.

A relationship coach once explained that because men are natural hunters, this is why they enjoy the chase. If a woman is easy to catch, she is not considered a prize; she would not be the ideal strong woman who could sustain while the hunter is gone. He would not be able to trust her to tell other men in the village “No” while her man is away.

The relationship guru also said men are natural providers. They like to give and we are made to receive (anatomically, as well). The scenario she painted was a young man and young lady in a canoe on a lake. The young man provides the boat, ensures the young lady’s safety and comfort, and then he picks up the ores and he is the captain of his boat. All the young man wants is for the young lady to sit and be happy. Men love making us ladies happy. It feels good to them.

Unfortunately though, women these days are so use to going after what they want, that we do not even realize when we are taking the ores away from our men and rowing the boats ourselves; symbolically, taking away our men’s masculinity. When women are no longer available to be “chased” and they strip away a man’s masculinity, the man no longer is attracted to the woman. Masculine men are attracted to feminine women – it’s the energy.

As a single mother, a sole provider and a female professional in a male-dominated field, I learned this lesson the hard way – through life experiences and failed relationships. Today I know that when I come home from court, I have to switch out of my masculine role as a lawyer and into my feminine role as a romantic partner.

No experienced is a wasted experience if you learn something from it. Failed relationships also taught me how to get over heartbreak. When my daughter had her first “break-up,” I wanted to snap my fingers and instantly take her pain away, but that’s not how life works. My daughter had to learn on her own just like I did. However, in an effort to guide her to healing, I gave her my “Top 10” list of how to get over heartbreak.

My Top 10 List for Healing from Heartbreak

1) Must have total abstinence – no contact with the ex if you want a real chance of getting over him.

2) Cry it out. Get it all out. Watch a sappy movie. Eat some ice cream without guilt. Give yourself time and room to morn the loss of the relationship.

3) Don’t wallow in self-pity too long. When the crying is done, put on your big girl panties, and your make up, and get busy with your priorities.

4) Go help somebody else in need. This one is very important. It helps get you out of your own head and takes your mind off your own problems…and it makes you grateful.

5) Every time “the ex” comes into your mind, you have to interrupt the thought to break the brain pathway or neuropathway. Immediately change your thoughts within 15 seconds to something positive and different. This takes practice. Don’t be hard on yourself.

6) Pray and meditate.

7) Exercise and eat right.

8) Get good rest – even if you have to take an over-the-counter sleep aide.

9) Every time you go out, make sure you look picture perfect like you’re on a magazine. Look like a million bucks in every photograph taken or every time you are seen. There is no sweeter revenge than being successful in all areas of your life when someone breaks your heart.

10) Call your mom when you need to have a meltdown. She loves you.

I remind myself and my daughter that even when you’re in a committed relationship, men still love to “chase” you and they still want to provide for you and give to you.  They want to make you happy. Let them. Sit on your hands when you feel like reaching for those ores. Let your man be a man.

I also remind us both not to lose ourselves in the relationship. Sometimes we women nurture so much that we forget to nurture ourselves. Men want the woman who they were originally attracted to…the woman who knows how to take care of herself and sustain on her own. Neediness is unattractive and so is a woman who no longer takes care of herself.

Lastly, be a good girlfriend to your girlfriends, i.e., don’t date a girlfriend’s ex or sleep with her boyfriend/husband. Make lifelong girlfriends because friends take care of each other. We women nurture each other. We pick each other up when we are down. We cry on each other’s shoulders. We tell each other the things we don’t want to hear, but need to hear. We laugh with each other. We celebrate with each other. Most importantly, men will come and go, but if you’re a good girlfriend, your friends will be there with you for the whole journey.

Madeleine Albight once said,

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

 

 

Growing up, my mother had us in church every Sunday.  I can hear her words in my head like it was yesterday, “After all that God gives you each week, you can at least get out of bed and spend one hour with Him!” Sundays were a “day of rest,” a day to honor God and a day to spend time with family. Sundays were “Faith and Family Day.”

That was just the beginning of our Sunday, though. My mother would fry chicken and okra and make homemade mashed potatoes and gravy on Sundays – enough for a village, literally. My older siblings’ friends would come over and feast, too. My mother’s cooking drew all the neighborhood kids to our house on a regular.  Everyone wanted to be at the Carpenter’s house for Mrs. “C’s ” home-cooked meals.

My mother also used Sundays as a way to prepare for the week ahead. She did the grocery shopping, the laundry, she cleaned the house and she looked at the week in advance, making sure she had all our bases covered when she returned to her busy work week.

Once or twice I would try to sneak back to bed and nap, but I learned early on that was never a good idea.  My mother would come into my room, catch me in bed and angrily yell, “If I’m up working, EVERYONE’S up working! Get out of that bed and start helping!” She was a workhouse and she didn’t slow down until all the work was done. Oh! and those neighborhood kids? That got put to work, too. My parents treated them just like their own kids. We all had to earn our keep.

When I became a mother, I picked up from where my mom left off.  Before the kids and I moved away from our village of a family, we used to go to church every Sunday with everyone. Our family took up two pews every Sunday. Then we all had lunch together before going our separate ways to prepare for the week ahead just as we were taught to do.

I realized that investing four hours on a Sunday afternoon could save a ton of time (and heartache) during the busy work week. It also gave me quality time with the kids, teaching them what I had been taught.  We did our grocery shopping, washed our clothes, cleaned house, meal prepped for the week and laid out the events or schedule for the week ahead.

This was also a good time for me to clean out the kids’ backpacks. You never know what you might find in there. Anything from a leftover smushed sandwich underneath a heavy binder to a forgotten birthday invitation for the upcoming weekend. I would go through their backpacks and papers looking for loose ends. Did the kids have homework assignments or projects due that they had not told me about? Any upcoming field trips? Sports practices or games? Birthday parties to attend? Did we need to buy gifts? Events at school that needed special costumes or supplies? Sunday was the day I used to lay it all out, get organized and plan ahead – I call it “Formation Day.”

When the children were in elementary school, I met a couple with four kids and both of the parents had demanding careers. My daughter played soccer with their twin daughters. This couple kept a family calendar on the kitchen wall to keep track of everyone’s activities each week. If something was not on the kitchen calendar, it was probably going to get forgotten. This system worked for them.

During my first marriage I blended with a man who had three kids of his own. We were a household of seven when we blended – five kids in all. I used this family calendar concept in our household that I still use today. We have a dry erase family calendar on the kitchen wall with color-coded activities and it is always up to date so that the entire family knows everyone’s commitments and obligations. This way the kids know by just looking at the calendar when I am set for trial, when any of the kids have sports games, and a big picture look at the month ahead so everyone knows if there are any upcoming vacations or school holidays. It really works.

We also have a magnetized doodle board on the refrigerator where we leave fun notes to each other. Sometimes we write loving words, sometimes the kids poke at each other and sometimes the kids’ friends leave us sweet notes like “We love the Carpenters!” After a long day at work,  I sometimes go to the refrigerator to start dinner and smile as I looked up to see what someone has written on our doodle board. But as the kids got older -especially my son, Nate- I had to monitor the content a little more…it would not be out of the ordinary to come home to drawings symbolizing boys’ genitalia. Sigh. Oh, but these are the memories made that we will miss when the kids are raised and the house is empty.

In the mean time, when you’re in the thick of running a busy household, no mom wants to get that mid-morning panicky call of “I forgot my project at home,” or “It’s picture day and we forgot.” When we take time to organize the calendar each week, coordinate rides and make sure sports bags, school bags and lunch bags are prepared, you would be amazed at how much time gets saved during the fast-paced work/school week, as well as how much it cuts down on tears and drama. A little time on a Sunday afternoon saves mega time during the regular week.

May everyone have a blessed Sunday and a successful week ahead!

A great life coach once asked me what is my “why?” I did not understand the question. He said, “What drives you? What is your passion?” Once I understood the question, my immediate answer was “My kids!” After a little reflection on my answer, I knew I had two passions, being a mother and being a lawyer.

We all have different life purposes. God sent us here for a reason – to accomplish something great for the benefit of all mankind. For some, that purpose may be taking on the difficult task of being a stay-at-home mother. As much as I enjoy being a mother, I also knew I had a purpose to fulfill outside of the home. Being an advocate for those who need a voice, protecting and defending the United States Constitution, as well as the rights of the citizens of the United States and giving back to the community that has given so much to me are my passions outside of the home. When I am full, complete and energized by my “Why,” I have so much more to give to my family and to my partner when I come home. Striking the balance between the two, really does allow me to have the best of both worlds.

Having maintained my individuality has allowed me to conquer my various aspirations while keeping me in touch with the woman I am.

After giving birth for the first time, I remember crying my eyes out that I could not fit into the (what I thought was large) outfit I had brought to the hospital to wear home. I had never felt as unsexy as I did when I came home as a new mother. What happened to the skinny, flirtatious, vibrant young lady I once was? At the time, romantic intimacy was the least of my desires. Instead, I chose to focus on myself and my child(ren); a trend I have continued over the last nineteen years, yet so much more.

The more I excelled in my personal endeavors, the better I felt. The better I felt, the more care I took of myself. The more care I took of myself, the more personal growth I made. The more personal growth I made, the more doors began to open in my career and other areas of my life. The happier I became with my life outside the home, the happier I was at home with my children. Ultimately, as I grew in my career and in personal growth as a woman, I grew in a manner and way that I could provide for and support my children, financially and emotionally.

As I grew in my career and as a woman, I realized that embracing my womanhood was much more an asset than a liability, even in a male-dominant career choice. Personally, I enjoy dressing up in a conservative yet sexy manner embracing the duality of being a woman in a man’s world and bringing both feminine and masculine energies to the table. This allows me to challenge and go toe to toe in my realm without losing the soft touch of being a woman. Often times, it works to my advantage because my opponents may erroneously underestimate my abilities by judging this book (me) by its cover.

From time to time, I have the opportunity to speak to students at my law school alma mater and other venues. This is the same message I share to the female students. Nothing makes me more proud at how far women have come in the last 50 years as when I see a beautiful, intelligent woman make an assertive argument with constructive points without appearing like a “bitch.” It really can be done. That is the woman who wins over the respect of men in her career field.

Several years ago, a female colleague of mine wrote the following email to our association regarding my performance at a hearing she observed:

“I was waiting in court when JL and I talked about our showbiz kids and she said, “I’ve got a hearing this morning.” So I said, “Well, I don’t want to keep you. Good luck.”

I sat down to continue waiting. I looked to my left and sitting near me on the front bench was the officer on trial and he looked as nervous as any defendant. I almost made a joke to him to try and make him feel more at ease, but I couldn’t. So I watched him. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

The judge took the bench and the rhetorical battle began. The state’s case was very brief. It was only one issue. It was clear the officer was still very nervous. I almost felt sorry for him…He said pretty much what the prosecutors wanted him to say and then it was JL’s turn.

She was prepared, confident, stern without being mean, and she gave her officer ample opportunity to correct his misstatements. When he wouldn’t or couldn’t she impeached him with two lines from another hearing transcript. Only then did he do the right thing.

She was never mean, but was very clear he would not get away with it. In closing, she referenced the cases she had previously given the court, she kindly pointed out why the state’s cases were wrong and I sat there praying for the judge while he was in the middle of his monologue. He granted the motion.

JL did a wonderful job and she did it all wearing an awesome red suit with a really cute high-waist black belt. As she left she didn’t smile, she didn’t speak-she just walked her client out the door a free man.”

It is humbling yet satisfactorily validating to hear another working mother describe my performance in court. Her description reminds me of this quote: “As women, we can do it all! We can live our lives any way we configure them. Isn’t that great?”

Reclaiming our “why,” our passion and excelling in whatever that may be, not only allows us to reclaim our womanhood, but it restores our confidence and gives us a renewed spirit in how we model ourselves for our children at home.

My children have had the benefit, sometimes out of pure necessity, to see me in the courtroom in full action. Taking children to work from time to time is an excellent way for the children to understand what it is that “Mommy (and Daddy) is doing when she (or he) is not with us.”

A few years back, I was set for trial on a case where the defendant had been in jail for two months awaiting his day in court. I was hurriedly dropping my son at school when he was begging me to believe him that he was really sick. As I opened the car door to let him out of at the carpool lane, he threw up all over the parking lot. Tears in his eyes as he looked back at me, I said, “Get back in. You’ll just have to go with me.” With a sick child in tow, we got to court on time. The judge, being a mother herself, offered to give me a continuance and reset the trial. Feeling sorry for my client who had been in jail for two months, I decided to power through the situation and go to trial. The judge allowed my son to sleep on her couch. Before he got sleepy, he watched me pick a jury from the crack in the door between the judge’s chambers and the courtroom. What an honor to have my son see my work and what a lasting memory he will have in seeing his mother serving in her profession. My client was found “Not Guilty” and was released to go home that day.

Roman politician and lawyer Marcus Tullius Cicero once said “What nobler employment, or more valuable to the state, than that of the man who instructs the rising generation? “ Whether we are lawyers or schoolteachers or stay-at-home moms, being a parent, really is the noblest job in the world. That’s the good stuff. When the chaos is swirling, the house is a wreck, the finances are low and our energy is depleted, it’s hard to remember that as women and mothers we really do have the best of both worlds…and more importantly, our children do not want perfect moms, they want happy moms.

“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” -Unknown